Many of us grow up with thoughts and beliefs about ourselves that are far from loving and this where we must begin if we are to learn to truly love ourselves (and others) unconditionally.
The way in which we can do this is by changing those beliefs that no longer serve us. We can just begin wherever we are by becoming aware of our thoughts and learning to no longer listen to that inner voice that is critical and negative. The one that tells us, (sometimes constantly) we're not good enough, we're not lovable, we're not smart, we're lazy, not pretty enough, thin enough etc, etc, etc. Once we are aware of this negative chatter we can challenge our beliefs (always with compassion), by thinking of examples of where we are lovable and kind, where we were pretty smart, we might find that we like our eyes / smile / little toenail... if we can just find something, just one example, then we can usually find two or three. In this way we can gradually change our negative beliefs and our self talk becomes much more kind and loving.
Now this is what starts to be reflected back by the world.
Just as we grow up with negative thoughts about ourselves we can often grow up judging the rest of the world according to our personal manual - beliefs like all men are selfish, love is always hard / painful / ends in heart-ache etc, do not serve anyone wanting to live in a world with more love. In the same way these thoughts too can be observed and changed by finding examples of where 'men are not selfish', 'Love is enduring' etc. As we then look for examples to shore up our new positive beliefs in our everyday lives, we are retraining the brain to a new way of thinking and believing. Your world can literally change into one full of love.
Love always begins with us - we're the ones who like our favourite food, activities, films, music etc. If we don't love ourselves and enjoy hanging out with us, how can we expect anyone else to?
When we remember that love is a feeling we create in ourselves we realise we don't actually need anyone else to be involved. We can't actually make anyone else feel love anyway, it's not like we can inject it into another for them to have the experience. It is 'US' that is creating the feeling of love for ourselves - when we are in relationship and each feeling love for the other - what is happening is that we are both focusing, projecting our thoughts and beliefs about each-other and then each of us is reflecting that back.
This is how we feel love.
Problems can begin when we believe it is another person's actions that determines how we feel. We can begin to think we need another's focus and that they need to behave in a certain way for us to love and be loved. We can begin to think it is their responsibility to 'make' us feel loved. It is this thinking that causes us unhappiness as, instead of taking responsibility ourselves, we usually want to point the finger of blame and want the other to change their behaviour. This can be challenging for us to understand but if we are willing to accept this truth it gives us complete freedom. If we believe that someone else has control of the way we feel, we are giving all our power away. We can even begin to believe we are unlovable.
Just think, if no one has to comply or change in order for you to love or be loved then all the power is yours. This is such a brilliant thing to know, as when we understand this, we can experience love all the time regardless of the circumstances. We can give ourselves all the love we need.
There is no denying it's nice to have someone else shining their light on us all the time but, if we are relying on others to do this for us, we are always vulnerable and dependant. If we learn to love ourselves we can always meet our own needs and never be fearful of being alone. Ironically, when we really get this we are so much more attractive to be around and so much easier to love.
Of course we can make requests of someone else, just not expect anyone else to adhere to our manual. It is so much more satisfying to have someone project their love from choice instead of duty. So many relationships are not truthful because people have learnt negative ways of trying to get others to meet their needs. So much pain can be created when we are striving to be loved this way.
Ultimately love is just a feeling (albeit an amazing one) that we can give to ourselves. We have the ability to turn it on and off, we can create it for ourselves and we can do so whenever we want. Ultimately we have the capacity to see it in others, even if they seem unlovable.