We're all so familiar with the word love, but how many of us actually think about what it means to us?
The rather disappointing definition in the English Oxford dictionary is:
'An intense feeling of deep attraction' which reminded me of the scene from Jane Austin's 'Sense and Sensibility' where the passionate Marianne asks her sister, "Do you love him?" To which Elinor replies a rather dispassionate "I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of him, that I greatly esteem him, I like him."
Seriously, though, how many of us not only neglect to question ourselves about our thoughts and beliefs, but never ask others what love means to them? We so often assume that we share the same beliefs and that we're on the same page and then, when our needs aren't met, we can feel disappointed, cheated almost. We can end up thinking we are no good at relationships or that we just keep meeting 'the wrong man' etc.
The truth is that most of us were raised by people who had their own definition of love based on their experiences. The love most of us learn is conditional and based outside ourselves. The majority of parents would like to think they love their children unconditionally, but how many of us remember being naughty or good (lovable or unlovable) according to someone else's rule book? This can cause us to become desperately needy as we believe our 'lovability' is determined by, and dependent upon, others.
As well as being influenced by other people, we are also influenced by our environment; the books we read, films we watch, adverts etc. How many of the love songs that we hear talk about love being painful or somebody being in control of someone else's emotions or happiness? When we believe these versions of love they often lead us to suffer. By the time we are experiencing romantic relationships our ideas can be pretty warped. We often have quite firm beliefs of how others 'should' behave and when our expectations aren't met we can resort to some pretty negative behaviour in an attempt to get our needs met - we persuade, cajole, manipulate, bully, control and possess - desperately trying to get someone else to give us something we haven't learned to give ourselves. And then we call this 'love'.
If we take full responsibility and learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we set everyone (including ourselves) free. Once we take charge of our own happiness and can honestly love all aspects of ourselves with respect and compassion, then we can do this for others too.
When we can do this, there is hope for the world.