How do I forgive myself?
I think I am a really forgiving person - so why do I find it so hard to forgive myself?
There are plenty of things I have felt guilty about and wish I had done differently throughout my life and usually quite quickly I am able to sooth myself and realise I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. I use the feelings as a barometer and motivator. Now I know better I do better.
However, there are a couple of things that I still hold shame of - a great deal less than previously but nonetheless ……..
As Brené Brown says -
“Based on my research and the research of other researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.
I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection”.
Intellectually, I know that my shame serves no purpose and actually holds me back. It’s the voice that tells me I am undeserving, unworthy and gets in the way of relationships. Yet when it rears its head, I know it’s held within my being and that this is where I need to go to release it.
The horses’ gift -
Horses don’t judge each other or themselves like humans. They need connections to survive -
We need connections to thrive. Shame has us retreating, hiding, covering up what we fear to be seen. We cover our wound and so it festers. It takes courage for us to expose our shame, to acknowledge and feel it. To sit with it and dissipate it. Horses help us to see ourselves truthfully, our essence, not the false self where shame dwells.
Sometimes we are not even aware of it fully, but being prey, horses need to know if we are safe and in order for us to feel safe with them, we need to be confident. When we can begin to notice our triggers and where in our bodies shame resides, we can feel this with kindness.
As with so many other things, the horses have supported me so much around this, shining a light on what’s hidden. With them, I always feel safe to be my most vulnerable, authentic self. When I do this, I am honoured and gifted by their most sacred presence.
Speaking out my feelings of shame to the horses, and allowing them to witness this has really helped. As I have felt them hold a non-judgemental space, I have then been in a position to feel empathy and compassion for myself, able to forgive myself and release another layer.
“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay quiet, you have a lot of self-judgment.”
- Brené Brown
The more compassion I have for myself, the more I can have for everyone else. The more I can feel worthy and deserving of connection, the more light I can shine into the world.
This has to be something worth working on.