Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it
(Mark Twain)
I’ve been triggered a lot lately by observing what can only be described as abuse. To begin with, the feelings created by these thoughts, threatened to overwhelm me and I wanted to lash out - with words (though had I actually been there, maybe I would have felt a physical urge too). I wanted those who were causing the suffering to feel it too.
It took my mind to places I had previously been, and it wasn’t long before my head was filled with all sorts of ‘injustices’ I’d witnessed or experienced throughout my life. Then I felt a huge wave of disillusionment, that things would never change and suffering would continue and ‘why was I even shocked’?
And then I consciously made the choice to stop. I breathed and I remembered.
My feelings cannot affect anything except myself.
When we experience emotional pain, it is natural for us to feel hurt / anger / resentment etc. Our brain interprets this as a threat. The thing about the brain, though, is it is unable to differentiate between perceived or real threats. So when we play our ‘pain’ story over and over and can’t let go, (letting go is all that forgiveness is really), the brain is sending messages to the body, which then produces chemicals ready to respond to the ‘threat’. If we harbour the feelings of resentment / anger etc. Thinking over how someone has hurt us, our bodies remain in a heightened state, causing us mental, emotional and physical stress. This is then stored in the body impacting us negatively in all sorts of ways. Every time we think about the hurt / betrayal etc our brain thinks it is happening again. Our brain can’t tell whether it’s happening in reality or in our mind. However justified in our belief, the pain is not felt by the other, only by ourselves.
So what can we do?
Firstly, I recognise the emotion I am feeling and name it. Sometimes there is more than one emotion. Then I just notice where in my body I am feeling it. I don’t judge the feelings, I just observe and within a short time it shifts, and I follow it as it moves out of my body.
Then I explore -
Can I actually DO anything? Can I help? Voice my concerns in a way that might be received positively? Take some action that has a positive impact? Leave or set up some boundaries
Or
Do I need to look at where I can do better? Where can I be more patient, kind, loving? Where can I show more understanding? Am I being the kind of human I wish everyone else?
And
Maybe it's both - taking action where I can and looking inward to where I can improve.
It can be a huge challenge to forgive others, especially if the hurt has a huge impact on our lives, though if we are to heal ourselves and the planet, it is (I believe) absolutely necessary.
Forgiving someone is not about condoning any behaviour, and we certainly don’t have to stick around in places that are not healthy for us, or with people who hurt us. In fact, forgiveness is not about, or for, anyone else.
When we are unforgiving, these toxic feelings are in our bodies - It’s like wanting to poison someone but drinking the poison ourselves. Wasting energy on thoughts of hate / revenge / judgment / wanting someone else to feel pain or shame doesn’t help us. It only changes the chemicals in our bodies negatively, and it just adds more hate to the world.
If it helps, we can use the words ‘let go’ or ‘release’. Sometimes, the word forgiveness has religious or cultural connotations and it we can get hung up on the idea of ‘letting someone off the hook’ or allowing negative behaviour.
It helpful to know that whatever it looks like, we are all doing our best with what is available to us at the time and this will be different for everyone. We cannot judge anyone else’s best by our own. We don’t know what anyone else’s experience is or has been, or what is driving them. I believe it’s true that ‘hurt people, hurt people’.
We can only ‘do’ ourselves, and understand that when we, (as humans) know better, we do better.
And also to ask ourselves - Who has never done anything they are ashamed of?
If we want humans to be better, we need to begin with the one and only human we have control over. Are we able to forgive ourselves fully? Are we compassionate with ourselves?
Where can we soften and let a little more love in?
Often it is ourselves that we need to forgive the most, and ourselves that we find the hardest to forgive. Sometimes blaming others is a distraction from doing the work of forgiving ourselves. It is easier perhaps to point ‘out there’, than to try to change ’in ‘here’
It’s not easy, it’s like the rest of life - a practice. We’ll never be done, but with each layer we can become more open, more willing, more responsive and less reactive. Our bodies and minds will certainly thank us for that, as will those around us in our daily lives.
For me, personally, I have found spiritual practice easier when I have the belief that this is how I can help the whole. That all beings and the planet could benefit if I do this work for myself. If I can take responsibility for the energy I have control of, then I can make a positive difference. I do believe that the more of us who are willing to do this, the greater the change we will see.
Rituals and tools I have found helpful in supporting me with forgiveness, -
Journalling
Meditation
Affirmations
Ho'oponopono (an ancient Hawaiian healing technique)
Transformational Letter writing - sometimes to someone else (it doesn’t need to be sent), sometimes to myself / Apology verbal or written to me
Visualising - changing the story, imagining the past differently
Writing down all the things I have gained from an experience and how I have grown through it.
Somatic releases
Cranio-Sacral / body work
Emotional Freedom Technique